Top 10 Signs of a Bad Christmas Tree.

Top 10 signs you bought a bad Christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

The Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me:
12 males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming
11 pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
10 melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping
9 persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression
8 economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans
7 endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands
6 enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products
5 golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
4 hours of recorded whale songs,
3 deconstructionist poets
2 Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

No Magic

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.