Tee Time!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the PA system, "Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee". He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again. The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees please move back to the White Tees?!" He looked back at the starters shack and yelled, "Will the idiot on the PA shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

Idiot Insurance Forms

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
• I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
• In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Yo Mama - TV Dinner

Yo mama so stupid, she put a TV dinner in the VCR.