Real Business Signs

• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
• On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Signs

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."
Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."