Ads & Newspapers - Signs and Notices
True Signs
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
- On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
- On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
- At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
- On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
- On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"
Signs and Notices Continued
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Signs and Notices 17
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
- An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
- An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
- Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
- On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
- A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
- Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
Signs
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."
Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."
Bumper Stickers
- I love animals, they taste great.
- EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.