Real Advertisements

(Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.)

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

News Headlines

• Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
• An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
• In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
• Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
• Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
• October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.

Case of The Missing Brain

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.