Nail Clipper Costume

Craigslist Ad:
This is made of the highest quality parts that the National ACE hardware on McKinley has to offer.
Is that PVC I smell? Nah son, 1/2" CPVC all DAY. Why is it so stiff? That's cause it's constructed with triple-ply cardboard. Is that Roundy's tin foil? OH FO SHO, that is straight Reynolds Wrap. Shiny side up. Why do I feel like it's Scotch-Guarded? Calm yourself, that's just saran wrap (for ultimate protection (from harm (and terror))).
Aluminum cam for smooth movements. Spring operated for speedy clipping. Lightweight for stealth and mobility.
There are caveats: You won't win the costume contest. Women won't flock to you. Well, they might, but it's more than likely they'll say things like:
- What are you?
- What made you think of that?
- You're dumb.
- That's nice that your mom gave you money and let you out of the house to play in public.
Come get this thing. I spend way too much time building nonsense, and you are being rewarded. Nail clippers come with 4 strings of (working) icicle-style Christmas lights. Will not separate.

Sleep Deprivation Research in Sherrill NY

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.  James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."  
Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.  Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, "I can't take this. I'm going to bed."  Debbie responded, "If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep." Dennis went to get the baby.
Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars!

NY Times Ad

Ad seen in the New York Times... FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.