Classified Ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
 FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS. 
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

One Line Bumper Stickers

• Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
• Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
• Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.
• Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
• Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
• History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
• It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
• It works better if you plug it in. 

News Headlines

• Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
• An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
• In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
• Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
• Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
• October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.