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The best jokes and joke writers!

Real Business Signs

  • On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
  • In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
  • On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
  • At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
  • On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
  • In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
  • On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
  • On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
  • At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
  • On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
  • At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
  • Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
  • At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
  • In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
  • On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
  • In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
  • At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
  • In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
  • On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
  • In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
  • In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
  • On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
  • In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Hilarious Signs

  • Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  • On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
  • On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
  • Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  • Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
  • In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
  • On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
  • In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
  • At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Classified Ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

 FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS. 

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

9 Comments From Olympic Commentators

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Signs and Notices 01

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."