Schedule of a Man

A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
10. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
11. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
12. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
13. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

Honda, Honda!

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.  On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....  Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid.
After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.  Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem!" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows...  Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

Why Fart and Waste

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?