Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.  Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem."  "I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account."
"If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!" 

The 3 Guys in a Plane

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple. The 2nd one threw out a banana. The 3rd one threw out a bomb. There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing. A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "an apple hit me on the head." He went up to the 2nd one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "a banana hit me on the head." He went up to the 3rd one and asked, "Why are you laughing?" He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then, one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse. When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise!"