HMO Questions

Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
 
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
 
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
 
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
 
Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
 
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
 
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
 
Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
 
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
 
Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
 
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
 
Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
 
Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Light Bulb - Manic Depressives

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

Man With No Arms.

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, "I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?" The guys with no arms replied, "Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?" The other guys reluctantly says, "sure." The guy with no arms says, "I need a little more help than that, I need some aim. Would you mind?" The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, "Sure, I guess." When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him, "I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?" The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, "I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"