Hawking Blue Screen

Q: What did Stephen Hawking say after his computer crashed?
A: Nothing.

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton Go to Heaven

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.  St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."  St. Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.  St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".  Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!  "Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Oysters

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen