Fast Drinker

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender.
"Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies, "50 cents."

Porkpie

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?" The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday." The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday." Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

Me Too

Two men walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have an H20."
Second man says, "You know what? I'll have an H20 too."
The second man dies.