Anything You Want

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition. 'Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. 'The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...'Paint my house.'

You're Violent

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"

The Knot

A string walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, "I am sorry but we can't serve strings here."
The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, "Waiter, give me a beer." The waiter says, "Hey, aren't you the string who came in here earlier?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a fraid knot."