Getting Excited at the Zoo

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Saving the Possum!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an possum. Knowing that mother possums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it. They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little possum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do? He thinks for a minute and says, "Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down." She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!" The husband replies, "Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"

Stressed Out, Try These!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.
NOTES and DISCLAIMERS: If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's approval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!) If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"