AAA Call

me: Hi, my name is Tiffany and I'm an alcoholic
AAA: Ma'am, you're reached the American Automobile Association
me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake.

Need Alcohol?

I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun.
You don't need running shoes to run but it fucking helps.

Off the Cliff

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am, a stunt driver?"