Psy Cards

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!            
Psychiatrist:  Sit over there and I'll deal with you later!

First Question

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.  Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

The Patient and the Biscuit Tin

Patient:  Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor:  Yes... You're fucking crackers!