Carpool Lane

How to dodge a ticket: if you get caught in the carpool lane by yourself, just tell the cop you're schizophrenic.

Waiting Out the Rush

A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."

Who am I!?

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psychologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II. The consensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...