Machine Breakdown

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

Bedtime Prayer of the Future

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep. PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while. Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone. The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool. Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cut off. Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension. Burglar alarm on delay activate; Car-port light on, for son who's late. Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight. Air purifier cleans each hour tonight; Water filter to fill the tank just right. VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows. Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes. Camcorder is ready to film in a flash. Blender's all set, the fruit to mash. Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain. Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall. I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

Pregnant Typewriter

Q: Did you know that my typewriter is pregnant?
A: No, it is? Yup, it skipped a period.