Confession

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned. "The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"  "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said.  The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."  "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.  "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."  "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?", the fellow asked.  The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

The Taxi Driver

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you" said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. "Wait, I think you are a little mixed up", said the priest. "Shouldn't  I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word." "Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!"

Coffee Break

A pastor had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in children's church. One new member didn't understand and said to him, "You're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."