Drunk Man Finding Jesus
A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and coughing. "Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"
Jesus Was Jewish
Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
Q: Why is Jesus always shown having a six pack?
A: Because of all his cross training.
Leaving a Legacy
An elderly man was lying in the hospital, dying with an incurable illness. His wife, a strong Christian, called her parish and asked the priest if he would mind going to her husband and speaking with him. The priest came to the man's bedside and stood on his right. They began to talk about how wonderful Heaven would be. They discussed angels and the glorious gifts this good man would receive in Heaven. "You know, sir," the priest said, "you can't take all your riches with you when you die. Why not contribute some money to your Church? We've been in need of a new stained-glass window. I think that would be just the thing to leave behind your legacy. Why, you can even have a message or a passage inscribed on it!" The man thought for a moment and said, "That sounds very good, Father. How much would this window cost?" "Oh, I'd say about $10,000 should cover it." The poor man nearly burst when he heard this, but knowing that what the priest had said was true -- he couldn't take his riches with him -- he decided to go ahead and fulfill the priest's suggestion.
He retrieved his check book and was just about to write out the check when the doctor came in and stood on his left. "Here's your medical bill, sir," the doctor said. This bill was also astronomical and the poor old man nearly died in shock. He filled out a check and gave it to the doctor. As he began writing the check for the priest, when he got an idea. "Father," he said, "did you say I could have anything I wanted written on that window?" "Yes, sir, of course," the priest said. The man began to scribble on the check and passed it to the priest. "What do you want written on your window, sir," asked the priest. "Look at the check," the man said. The priest looked down at the memo line at the bottom of the check. The man had written: "On my stained glass window I want written, 'In Memory of John T. Smith. He died like Christ -- between Two Thieves.'"
Candy for Jesus
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.