Proof That Jesus Was Jewish

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother wasn't married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

Wilson's Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

Jesus & Joseph

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. "Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. "Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter". Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes". "Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?! The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"