One of Two Reasons

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

Much Improved

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem. The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?" "Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied. "That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband." "That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening." So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!" His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried. "Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply. "Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged."And now, you come home drunk!!!!"

Family Sex

TO MY DEAR WIFE, 
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of the month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat.
36 times you did not come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook.
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.