Till Death do us Part

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

The Maid

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." 
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.." The wife is obviously upset: "Did my husband say that ?" Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Missing Person

Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: What is her height?
Husband : Average, I guess.
Officer: Weight?
Husband: Average, I guess.
Officer: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Officer : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Officer : What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : Was she driving?
Husband : Yes.
Officer : Color and make of car?
Husband : Black Tesla AWD Dual Motor Model P85D with 691 HP, it does 0-60 in 5.4 seconds, has LED headlights, cornering and fog lights and the tech package with auto pilot. There's a small scratch on the driver door next to the handle.... and then the husband started crying...