Make you Happy

A married couple are lying in bed.  The husband turns to his wife and said, "Honey, I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
His wife replied, "I’ll miss you."
 

Cooking Eggs

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Add more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

How Many Times

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her husband to tell her.
"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."