Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

• Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
• Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
• Sell Girl Scout cookies.
• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
• Shave.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• One word: Flatulence!
• On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
• Do Tai Chi exercises.
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
• Give religious tracts to each passenger.
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
• Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say "Ding!" at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Business Talk

• The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
• The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
• The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
• The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
• The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
• The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
• The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
• The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
• The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
• The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up. 

Goebel's Laws

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?