The Business One - Liners

• The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
• The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
• The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
• The business world worships mediocrity.
• Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
• The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
• The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• The chaos in the universe always increases.
• The chief cause of problems is solutions.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 

You're In Big Trouble

I just knew I was in big trouble at work when: 

• The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
• The Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
• My assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
• I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, and not a chime.
• My new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
• The Human Resources Department requested an update of my arrest record.
• The Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
• I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
• My parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
• My secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
• Three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
• The LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
• A large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
• The receptionist began saying "Who?" to anyone calling on me. 

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?!?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your user name was?