ATM Procedures

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
 
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

Paying the Dentist

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now". The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

Chance to be Healed

A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true. God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?" The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear. God then touched the blind man and he was able to see. The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted. The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"