Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

• Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
• The Baby's Name - 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
• Preparing for the Birth - 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
• The Layette - 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
• Worries - 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
• Activities - 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
• Going Out - 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
• At Home - 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Banned Children's Books

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

• Dad's New Wife Timothy Pop!
• Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
• How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
• Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
• The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
• Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• The Tickling Babysitter
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear
• When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor
• Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky
• Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep
• How Far is Not Far? Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story
• The Boy Who Cried "Fire!" Things Rat Poison Looks Like
• Why Uncle Bud Falls Down
• Two Fingers in the Dike
• Back To School! A Munitions Primer
• Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice
• Things That Are Really Sharp
• How Dopey Got His Name
• Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

Calling Roll in School

There was a little girl named Fufu. She went to school one day and her teacher said, "How do you spell your name?" The girl replied, "F.U. - F.U." Her teacher sent her to the principal's office. She got to the principal's office and he said, "First off, how do you spell your name?" She said, "F.U. - F.U." He said, "YOU ARE SUSPENDED!"