Youngster Theories

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:
If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.
Dogs and bees can smell fear.
Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.
If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.
There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.
If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.
Rain is just God peeing on you.
If you die in your dream, you will die.
Adults are really Martians, and they're up to no good.

Afflictions

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?" "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim. "Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered. "Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for over a year!"

Sleep Deprivation Research in Sherrill NY

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.  James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."  
Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.  Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, "I can't take this. I'm going to bed."  Debbie responded, "If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep." Dennis went to get the baby.
Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars!