Ungrateful

Someone stopped me today and asked me for directions to the nearest cosmetic surgeon. I gave them detailed instructions on how to get there, then they turned round and said "Well if you know the way, why haven't you been there you ugly bastard?"

Stupid Quotes Around The World

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
• "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
• Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
• "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV
• " Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." James Hunt, BBC2 TV
• "A church spire nestling among the trees... there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Collection of "Useful" Insults

When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some of these:

• Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
• Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
• Understands English as well as any parrot.
• Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Useful as a football bat.
• Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
• Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
• Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
• Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
• Useful as dinosaur repellent.
• Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
• Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
• Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
• Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.