Bar Association Meeting

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Spotting a Lawyer

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.  Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.  As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.  One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"  The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."  Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."  The other says, "A lawyer?  How do you know that?"  The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

Demise of a partner

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."  And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends, including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times. After an excellent round of golf they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven. The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."