Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published." 

Real Advertisements 3

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings: Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Create a Hallmark Moment!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
• "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"