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Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Procrastination Station

Craigslist Ad:

Are you in need of a designated area at which to not do the things in your life that need doing? Boy, are you in luck. In addition to the standard desk features like top, bottom, and sides, this particular command center comes equipped with a built-in excuse feature. The Bottomless Drawer is guaranteed to lose bills you can't afford, homework you don't understand, and divorce papers you aren't ready to sign. The other drawers are perfect for hoarding popped bubble wrap, bent paperclips, fast food receipts, inexplicably sticky cough drops, and inkless pens. Our treasures have been cleared and cleaned to make room for yours.

For the most excellent price of FREE, you can get in on this sweet, sweet action. Leave this beast in its raw form to lend legitimacy to your Anthropologie faux found decor, or slap on a few coats of pastel Annie Sloan and some "Live Laugh Love" decals to assume your rightful place as a shabby chic Pinterest legend. You hold the power.

Just when you thought it couldn't get better: It's already outside, out front, and ready for loading- no awkward human contact required, except for with the friends that you bring with you in the truck that you *will* need. It is startlingly heavy. Like, spaceship heavy. I'll delete the post when someone has stopped procrastinating long enough to pick it up.

Appear on Television

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Wednesday, October 21, 1992 In July, Danny Fouts, his wife and her sister, while in New York City to appear on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.

Classified Ad Bloopers!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

  • Free Yorkshire Terrier 8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
  • Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.
  • Free Puppies: Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.
  • German Shepherd - 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
  • 1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
  • Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
  • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
  • 2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
  • Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto , Excellent Condition, $6,800.                               
  • 83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000.
  • Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15.
  • Soft & Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tischue - $.89.
  • Full-Sized Mattress, 20 Year Warranty,  Like New! Slight urine smell.
  • FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans, With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home.        
  • Nordic Track, $300, Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
  • Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products".
  • Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
  • HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever! "If it's in stock, we have it!"
  • Get a Little John: The Traveling Urinal, Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
  • Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club.
  • Georgia Peaches, California Grown - $.89/lb.
  • Nice Parachute, Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained.
  • American Flag, 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100.
  • Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?  We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
  • Exercise Equipment, Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
  • Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!  And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
  • Joining Nudist Colony!  Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300.
  • Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
  • Alzheimer's Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember.
  • Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell.
  • Open House!  Body Shapers Toning Salon, Free Coffee & Donuts.
  • Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
  • Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann,  $2.09/lb.
  • FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes - Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Educational Priority

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

January 12, 1993 Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."