Lemon Pennance

A guy goes into the church confessional and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I slept with five different women last night.” The priest says, “Go home, squeeze five lemons into a glass, and drink it all as fast as you can.” “And I will be forgiven?” asks the man. “No,” the priest says, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

Blondes in Tanning Salon

One day two blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A tan for 2 please!" The cashier said, "Okay," she filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?" They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Confession

A man goes to his local church to confess...
Man: Father, I have sinned.
Priest: And how how have you sinned?
Man: I have stolen someone's bike, and am now here to give it to you.
Priest: No, no - don't give it to me, return it to the person you have stolen it from and you shall be forgiven.
Man: I did that, but he said he didn't want it.
Priest: In that case, you may keep the bike for yourself.
The man leaves, and after the day is over, the priest comes out of the church to find his bike missing.