Helping Cure Depression

Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.
Patient:  I don't touch a drop.
Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.
Patient:  I don't smoke.
Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.
Patient:  I don't do drugs, either.
Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient:  But, I haven't touched a woman in my life!
Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

Mother Knows Best

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.

Got My Eye on You

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."