Go to the Doctor

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out... I'm freakin' out... my pee's coming out in four streams." He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do." She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle. She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams." He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."

Impatient

Doctor: How many drinks do you have in a week?
Patient: I don't know, I'm an alcoholic not a fucking accountant

Family Problems

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...
A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.