Computer Terms

Q.180?
A. The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state - of - the - art computer you can't afford.
Q. Obsolete? 
A. Any computer you own.
Q. Microsecond?
A. The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.
Q. Syntax Error 
A.  "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Q. GUI (pronounced "gooey")?
A. What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Q. Computer Chip?
A. Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Q. Keyboard? 
A. The standard way to generate computer errors.
Q. Hard Drive?
A. The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Q. Portable Computer?
A.  A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Q.  Disk  Crash?
 A.  A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Q. Power User?
A.  Anyone who can format a disk from a DOS System.
Q. Update?
 A. A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter:ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Alternative Microsoft Windows Advertising Slogans

At one point, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?".  Here are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
11. My latest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!
15. How do you want to crash today?