The College Food Chain

The College Food Chain
THE DEAN - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water, Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD - Leaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Talks with God
PROFESSOR - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engine, Is faster than a speeding BB, Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR - Barely clears a quonset hut, Loses tug of war with a locomotive, Can fire a speeding bullet, Swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR - Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings, Is run over by locomotives, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, Treads water, Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR - Climbs walls continually, Rides the rails, Plays Russian Roulette, Walks on thin ice, Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT - Runs into buildings, Recognizes locomotives two out of three times, Is not issued ammunition, Can stay afloat with a life jacket, Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, Says "Look at the choo-choo", Wets himself with a water pistol, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY - Lifts buildings and walks under them, Kicks locomotives off the tracks, Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them, Freezes water with a single glance...She IS God.

Light Bulb - Post Doctoral Fellows

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Light Bulb - Graduate Students

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.