The Homework Schedule

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

• 15 minutes looking for assignment.
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
• 8 minutes in the bathroom.
• 10 minutes getting a snack.
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

The College Food Chain

The College Food Chain
THE DEAN - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water, Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD - Leaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Talks with God
PROFESSOR - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engine, Is faster than a speeding BB, Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR - Barely clears a quonset hut, Loses tug of war with a locomotive, Can fire a speeding bullet, Swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR - Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings, Is run over by locomotives, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, Treads water, Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR - Climbs walls continually, Rides the rails, Plays Russian Roulette, Walks on thin ice, Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT - Runs into buildings, Recognizes locomotives two out of three times, Is not issued ammunition, Can stay afloat with a life jacket, Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, Says "Look at the choo-choo", Wets himself with a water pistol, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY - Lifts buildings and walks under them, Kicks locomotives off the tracks, Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them, Freezes water with a single glance...She IS God.

Light Bulb - Post Doctoral Fellows

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.