Be Politically Correct With Women

• She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
• She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
• She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
• She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
• She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
• She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
• She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
• She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
• She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
• She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
• She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
• She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
• She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Why do men die first

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries.. But, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.  If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else. Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.

Farm In-Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"