Signs You Forgot Admin Day

1. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your Kindle.
2. You receive an "Up Yours" Bouquet from FTD
3. First, a message that Shakira is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
4. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
5. Your big business dinner at Marena in Midtown is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
6. Nude pictures of Elton John randomly pop up in your Powerpoint presentations to management.
7. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
8. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Dr. Phil's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
9. Newly-updated organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
10. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "strip club & hookers."

Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Which Secretary To Hire?

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?... Well, DUH!...The one with the biggest breasts!