Daddy Going to War

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy." 

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make your demands.
Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
Forget your gun at home.
Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
As Negotiator: Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

Shooting Practice

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself." The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"