US Air Force Humor!

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

The Army, Navy and Air Force.

There's a guy from the ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY  driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy  driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself,  "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right!  We should be friends." The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn!" The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.