Ads & Newspapers - Signs and Notices
More Church Bloopers!
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
- The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
- Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
- The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
- Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
- Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
Signs and Notices 21
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
- At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
- In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
- Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
- A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
- While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
- At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions."
- Seen on a billboard along a highway: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."
Real Classified Ads 1
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK + BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
Signs and Notices 13
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
- In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
- At fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
- Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
- In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
- From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
- In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
- In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
Betty Crocker Passes
Did you hear that Betty Crocker passed away? The funeral is set at 4:50 for ten to fifteen minutes.