Hilarious Signs

• Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
• On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
• On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
• Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
• Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
• On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
• At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Signs and Notices 01

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"
At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"
Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

Stupid Quotes

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this."
David Coleman, BBC 1 TV "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes."
Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment." "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?"
Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4 "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold."
Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."