Classified Funny Ads

• Include your children when baking cookies!
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• See ladies blouses. 50% off!
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Classified Ad Bloopers!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

• Free Yorkshire Terrier 8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
• Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.
• Free Puppies: Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.
• German Shepherd - 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
• 1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
• Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• 2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
• Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto , Excellent Condition, $6,800.                               
• 83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000.
• Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15.
• Soft & Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tischue - $.89.
• Full-Sized Mattress, 20 Year Warranty,  Like New! Slight urine smell.
• FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans, With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home.        
• Nordic Track, $300, Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
• Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products".
• Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
• HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever! "If it's in stock, we have it!"
• Get a Little John: The Traveling Urinal, Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
• Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club.
• Georgia Peaches, California Grown - $.89/lb.
• Nice Parachute, Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained.
• American Flag, 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100.
• Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?  We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
• Exercise Equipment, Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
• Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!  And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
• Joining Nudist Colony!  Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300.
• Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
• Alzheimer's Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember.
• Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell.
• Open House!  Body Shapers Toning Salon, Free Coffee & Donuts.
• Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
• Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann,  $2.09/lb.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes - Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Classified Ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
 FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS. 
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.