Classified Error

• (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
• (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
• (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
• (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Classified Ad Bloopers!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

• Free Yorkshire Terrier 8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
• Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.
• Free Puppies: Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog.
• German Shepherd - 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
• 1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
• Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• 2 Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
• Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto , Excellent Condition, $6,800.                               
• 83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000.
• Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15.
• Soft & Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tischue - $.89.
• Full-Sized Mattress, 20 Year Warranty,  Like New! Slight urine smell.
• FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans, With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home.        
• Nordic Track, $300, Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
• Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products".
• Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
• HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever! "If it's in stock, we have it!"
• Get a Little John: The Traveling Urinal, Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
• Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club.
• Georgia Peaches, California Grown - $.89/lb.
• Nice Parachute, Never Opened - Used Once, Slightly Stained.
• American Flag, 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100.
• Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?  We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
• Exercise Equipment, Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
• Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!  And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
• Joining Nudist Colony!  Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300.
• Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
• Alzheimer's Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember.
• Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell.
• Open House!  Body Shapers Toning Salon, Free Coffee & Donuts.
• Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
• Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann,  $2.09/lb.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes - Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Classified Ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
 FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS. 
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.