Classified Error

• (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
• (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
• (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
• (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Women Seeking Men: The Truth

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48.
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.
Affectionate means: Possessive.
Artist means: Unreliable.
Average looking means: You figure this one out.
Beautiful means: Pathological liar.
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.
Educated means: College drop-out.
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.
Free spirit means: Substance abuser.
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.
Fun means: Annoying.
Gentle means: Comatose.
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.
Humorous means: Caustic.
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.
Light drinker means: Lush.
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.
Loves Travel means: If you're paying.
Loves Animals means: Cat lady.
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.
Open-minded means: Desperate.
Outgoing means: Loud.
Passionate means: Loud.
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.
Reliable means: Frumpy.
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.
Self-employed means: Jobless.
Smart means: Insipid.
Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.
Stable means: Boring.
Tall, thin means: Anorexic.
Tan means: Wrinkled.
Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.
Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.
Writer means: Pompous.
Young at heart means: How about the rest.

Financially Unstable Male

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."