Extra Office Work
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied; "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
Boss Wants Too Much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day, 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
My boss, who is a hot lady, caught me in the shower room after work. She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Company Buzz Words
New Corporate Buzz Words
- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
- Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
- Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
- Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
- Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."
- Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
- Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
- Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
- GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
- Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
- Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
- Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?" He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."