Nail Clipper Costume

Craigslist Ad:
This is made of the highest quality parts that the National ACE hardware on McKinley has to offer.
Is that PVC I smell? Nah son, 1/2" CPVC all DAY. Why is it so stiff? That's cause it's constructed with triple-ply cardboard. Is that Roundy's tin foil? OH FO SHO, that is straight Reynolds Wrap. Shiny side up. Why do I feel like it's Scotch-Guarded? Calm yourself, that's just saran wrap (for ultimate protection (from harm (and terror))).
Aluminum cam for smooth movements. Spring operated for speedy clipping. Lightweight for stealth and mobility.
There are caveats: You won't win the costume contest. Women won't flock to you. Well, they might, but it's more than likely they'll say things like:
- What are you?
- What made you think of that?
- You're dumb.
- That's nice that your mom gave you money and let you out of the house to play in public.
Come get this thing. I spend way too much time building nonsense, and you are being rewarded. Nail clippers come with 4 strings of (working) icicle-style Christmas lights. Will not separate.